The Rockets Are The Most Interesting Team in 2016

Harden absorbing the power of his enemies through his mouth-hole.

Harden absorbing the power of his enemies through his mouth-hole.

  • One MVP winner candidate
  • One man-giant who has zero self awareness
  • One mad scientist-ician bent on world domination
  • One drunkard

Mix all this up, and you get one hell of a story to follow come Wednesday.

On paper, the Rockets have all the talent they need to compete in the West and be a legitimate threat for the 2016 title.  The games aren’t played on paper though, much to the chagrin of the aforementioned mad GM Daryl Morey.

James Harden is pissed the fuck off about not winning MVP last year, despite accounting for much more of his teams’ successes as an individual than Steph Curry, whom we all know isn’t legally old enough to sign an NBA contract without parental approval.  He will look to improve upon his “Draw a foul and chunk it” offensive strategy, while brushing up on his “Hope they run at the tall guy and miss it” defensive strategy this year.  No matter what, he will be exciting to watch.  Or the guy he was supposed to guard will be.

Above - Steph with his Binky

Above – Steph with his Binky

Lamar Odom may have saved the Rocket’s season this year. We all known Kardashians are no good for you – and up until Lamar decided to pop 32 Viagra, shoot 6 heroins, and hit up a brothel like it was spring break at Arizona State – Harden’s relationship seemed likely to ruin James for the season (and probably ever).  Thank the Basketball gods for drugs and hookers.

Dwight Howard continues to impress the city of Houston and it’s fans with his inability to take his game to the next level, or show any level of self-awareness.  He recently compared himself to Nelson Mandela, Muhammad Ali, and Michael Jordan.  Let that sink in for a minute.  A very tall man, who has attempted to play something similar to basketball for the past 11 years, thinks he is on the same level at his job as 3 of the most accomplished men in history.  Dwight has had 11 years in the NBA, and can’t manage a consistent hookshot, spin move, or god forbid hit one of them “free shots”.

Dwight attempting a free throw. I think.

Dwight attempting a free throw. I think.

Daryl Morey is living the dream of thousands of un-athletic sports geeks by running this organization exactly how one would in a game of NBA2K16.  He will undoubtedly attempt to trade for every star in the league come December, and maybe he’ll even get one.  Morey just wishes he could turn off salary cap, turn on ‘Force Trade’ and win 25 titles in a row like we all do in our perfect version of the NBA.

It's like Ancient Aliens, get it?

It’s like Ancient Aliens, get it? It’s funny. Like me, please.

Ty Lawson joined the team this year, and he may be the most exciting addition to any NBA team this offseason.  Not only is the former Tarheel a quick, slashing point guard who can free up space for Harden – but he is also an irresponsible alcoholic who doesn’t know what Uber is.  He’s at best got a major drinking problem (besides that he’s only got 2 hands and so many drinks), and at worst he is an out of control, violent drunk, who doesn’t know what Uber is.

Everyone looks like you could use a drink, Ty.

Everything looks like a nail to a hammer.

Patrick Beverly is one of the most tenacious perimeter defenders in the league, and he will fight you, no matter who you are.  Like Lebron.

Jason Terry is probably going to die on the court this year, Donte Montague is some foreign guy who is pretty good, and we picked up that white guy from Wisconson (Not J.J. Watt). All should be decent players for the Rockets, and win, lose, or draw (Actually I don’t think you can tie in basketball) this team is going to be fun as hell to watch on the court.

And crazy to follow off of it, too.

Max

My name is Max and sports are a fun thing to watch, sometimes.

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